Romance on the Net

By Ruth C. Eggett

Your date is just a mouse click away.

Hollywood has picked up on the popularity of Internet culture and romance. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks will star in Nora Ephron’s You’ve Got Mail, a romantic comedy due in theaters Dec. 18. By day, Kathleen and Joe are bookstore business rivals who despise each other. But by night, they log onto their respective computers, where they each meet a special friend. Both engage in honest, personal Net chats, unaware of each other’s real identity.

Internet providers like America Online, Prodigy and Compuserve provide hundreds of chat rooms where users congregate in a virtual reality environment in the convenience of their homes. ICQ and PowWow are two of many popular Net chat services available to users with Net access.

Halfway around the world, Richard Hull and his fiancee, Lynda, maintain An International Home of Internet Romance, a support website for Net couples seeking to develop meaningful, long-term relationships.

Hull, 26, met Lynda, 31, at the Christian Connections Matchmaker website in mid-April. Having established mutual interests, both began communicating via ICQ chat and e-mail. "Right from the start, there was that openness, respect and love for each other that has continued to grow and flourish," said Hull.

Three months later, Hull took a 24-hour flight from his home in Kent, England to Queensland, Australia to meet Lynda and her two children. Because the relationship went so well, Hull extended his two-week vacation by one week.

"We experienced a whole range of emotions as we learned to be together and iron out all those culture differences," said Hull. "We saw the good and the bad side of each other. I knew what I liked and loved what I saw."

"I feel complete," said Lynda. "I thank God everyday for reaching across the other side of the world to bring me someone as wonderful, kind and compassionate as Richard."

"The house and contents are up for sale," said Hull, who plans to move to Australia and marry Lynda. "Although it’s a big step, it’s the right step."

According to Hull, working on their Internet Romance website keeps their relationship strong. "Lynda and I spend many hours together working over the Net on it," said Hull. "It’s helped us (during the) difficult times of being apart that we can actually do something constructive together."

Those who have formed long-term relationships as a result of the Net quickly point out that honest communication and knowledge of the person are essential.

"Without direct honesty up front, your Internet romance is in trouble straight off," said Lynda. "Both people get ripped off when you’re not honest. You may be surprised that your partner loves you just how you are."

"I felt I could tell Lynda everything about me, every little fear, every sordid secret," said Hull. "I have never felt so close to anyone in my entire life."

Chat users scorned by dishonest behavior warn those seeking Net relationships to be extremely cautious when meeting anyone on the Net.

"I met a man on (AOL) and we dated over nine months when he asked me to marry him," said AOL user NoFoolAmI. "We had our wedding planned when I found out he had a woman he was living with the whole time."

"Before I met Jason, I dated a guy from Seattle that I met in chat who (turned out to be) emotionally abusive," said Post. "It could’ve become physically abusive. Some people seem nice initially (on the Net) but then turn out to be really mean in person."

"When you talk to someone, you form a mental image that person," said Net user TommyGirl, a 19-year-old student who chatted on the Net with a particular guy for two years. "I was reluctant to meeting him so I made sure that I had some friends around."

When TommyGirl finally met her chat partner, she was disappointed. "I thought he’d be a regular person but he turned out to be gothic-looking (with) long hair dyed black, black clothes, kind of scroungy. He was really nice but nowhere near what I thought he would be."

Net chat rooms attract people who simply like meeting other people.

"It’s nice to talk to someone and see what it’s like in different countries and all over the world," said Post. "Their lives are totally different than mine. It brings people closer together."

"I enjoy meeting people without many of the assumptions that are placed on physical attraction," said Jeremy Wilson, 23. "I also enjoy watching and listening to people interact to see how they behave."

Wilson, who currently majors in New Media Technologies at the University of Washington, researches Net interactions as part of his studies. He uses AOL and ICQ chat rooms and maintains two websites.

Though savvy chat users enjoy the social interaction the Net provides, they know chat abusers take advantage of those who are too trusting.

"I do believe in Internet romance to a certain extent," said Post. "I’ve also seen it destroy marriages where someone who thinks they’ve fallen in love leaves a relationship. I’ve seen it destroy families. I knew one girl who met a guy that tried to rape her. She ended up having to press charges."

"It’s completely common for people on the Internet to portray themselves as the opposite sex," said Wilson. "It’s been going on since chat rooms got going in the late 80’s and early 90’s in what’s referred to as MUDs (multi-user domains)."

While some have found love through the Net’s virtual world, others have found love by chance in the real world.

Jennifer Araujo, 19, was in a long-term relationship with another guy until she met his boss and friend, Jeff. "Even though I had loved my boyfriend, something drew me to Jeff," she said. "Chemistry, I guess. A real connection."

Soon after their meeting, Araujo broke up with her boyfriend and began dating Jeff. "We’ve been together for two-and-a-half years and are engaged."

Sandra Shipman, 35, had lived in Bremerton nearly a year and was ready to return to New Hampshire when a neighbor friend invited her to Sinclair’s, a local bar. There, she met Scott, a divorcee, who came along with his brother and sister-in-law at their insistence.

"We both had never been to the club before and felt we wouldn’t find people," said Shipman. "Scott and I looked at each other and liked each other right off the bat. The physical attraction was first." By the third date, Shipman said they did sentimental things married people do, looking at nature and visiting knick-knack shops. Shipman married Scott a year later and both share a four-year-old son together.

"Sometimes you just know," said Shipman, who knew she found her match. "Experience. I dated enough people to know."

Wilson didn’t need the Net to find his match; he met his fiancee while vacationing in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with his family. "My girlfriend was staying in the same hotel. I just walked right up and asked her if she would like to hang out with me."

Araujo and Shipman said they would never consider meeting people from the Net because of the potential danger involved. "It’s a cover-up," said Araujo. "The Internet is totally unsafe," said Shipman.

Because of TommyGirl’s experience, she is more cautious of meeting chat users in person. "I don’t think it’s safe," she said. "You hear about people who have been kidnapped or sexually assaulted. The only reason I did it was because I was with a lot of people."

"Some people think it’s a joke to come online and hurt people," said AOL user Anjora. "But they forget there is a real person behind that screen."

"It’s almost like a fantasy world where you can be yourself and not worry about what people think about you," she said. "A lot of people are self conscious and the Net gives them sort of a release from that state of mind."

"Many people (are) out there to meet people under a blanket of anonymity while others enjoy playing false personas," said Wilson.

Though it maybe nice to meet people in chat rooms, chat users question the integrity of people they meet in chat rooms

"It’s a fantasy world where you can make yourself out to be whatever you want to be," said TommyGirl. "I’m pretty honest about myself on the Net," said TommyGirl. "I would only stretch the truth now and then. A lot of the time, the only reason I would (stretch the truth) was just to see what people would say."

"Many people are not sincere," said Wilson. "I’d say six out of 10 on average. That depends on which chat rooms you’re in. I try to be sincere. However, it is sometimes safer to remain neutral and anonymous."

Both Internet and real world romantics echo similar sentiments when asked about how their loved ones make them feel:

"Wanted, loved and important," said Wilson.

"Safe, secure and beautiful," said Araujo.

"So comfortable," said Lynda.

"So complete," said Hull.

When describing her love match, Shipman summed up what chat users in search for love have been looking for all along:

"Honest. Sincere. A good person. An empathetic listener."